Sunday, February 24, 2013

I can't get no satisfaction!

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

Wednesday was a no satisfaction day.  I was overwhelmed with work and very stressed. I couldn’t focus and I had no game plan for the cases I was working on and the cases I needed to be working on.

I found myself wanting a Coke desperately and I haven’t had one in 6 weeks.

I felt the attraction to the coke machine like a cheetah panting after a gazelle in Africa. All I wanted to do was put my fifty cents in the machine, get my coke and go to the handicap bathroom (because it’s quiet and roomy) and drink the coke, SLOWLY, savoring each and every sip. But my cravings didn’t stop with liquid crack. When a friend at lunch offered me a taco from Taco Bell, I immediately snatched it. I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t even hungry at that time. I just finished eating my eggplant pizzas but I wasn’t satisfied. And then I wanted the German Chocolate cake that was sitting on the table and the Tres Leches cake in the fridge. This. Was. Torture.

I finally left the break room without a coke or a piece of cake and went back to my cubicle. I sat at my desk ashamed of my food slut ways. I was also confused and mad. Why did I eat that Taco? Why can’t I control my eating more? Why do I turn to food when I’m stressed at work? Why can’t I have a coke and a piece of cake?
 I left work and drove to church for my Wednesday night Bible study. Driving to church was just as stressful as my work day. I was irritated that nothing was going my way. I couldn’t eat what I wanted and stupid drivers would not get off the road. I was about to explode!
 I finally arrived at church early, went to the usual room we met in and realized we had been moved to another room! UGH!!!!
Take a deep breath, Charissa. Breathe…
  I was finally in the correct room and I was finally alone. It was quiet. It was peaceful. I sat there in perfect silence thinking about my horrible day. And then I saw it – something that always gave me peace. Something I should have turned to earlier in the day. The cross. There was a cross outside the window on top of a steeple. As I looked at the cross, I finally felt satisfaction. I was in peace! There were no inner struggles, no guilt of my food choices of the day, no negative thoughts towards myself. Thoughts of mercy and grace filled my mind and heart. My Savior has granted me much mercy every day and they are new every morning. I was reminded that I need to grant myself mercy during my journey to health. This isn’t going to be easy for me. I will mess up. I will make mistakes. However, tomorrow is a new day with new mercy and new opportunities.
Wednesday started out to be a day with no satisfaction but it ended differently. I left church feeling loved, beautiful and completely satisfied.

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