Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Road to Success

Someone once told me the road to success has A LOT of no’s. I had forgotten this statement until today. Today, I competed in a speech contest. It was my fourth contest in a row and my biggest one to date. See, my goal is to speak, professionally. I want to be a motivational speaker. It’s the only thing I feel good at, the only thing I feel I was meant to do.
I did not win today. I didn’t even place in the top three. I know it’s an accomplishment to even make it as far as I did, but I have to admit, I was disappointed. I wanted that darn trophy so bad!! I wanted to hold it, touch it and kiss it. And I really thought winning this speech contest would open more doors for me within the public speaking world.
I came home alone and sat on my couch. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to meditate on the contest and wallow in self-pity. Then, I thought about my speech and my message. My speech is entitled My Life Resolution and it’s about my granny panties and being too comfortable in life. It’s about stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things and meeting new people. Then I realized that’s what I did today! Even though I didn’t win, I did accomplish some things; I met a lot of new people and I went after a dream. I stepped out of my comfort zone!
I continued to sit on my couch for about an hour. I really wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to hang with friends or family, but I didn’t want to be alone either.  So, I decided to strike while the iron was still hot and step out of my comfort zone again. I got in my car and drove to my local YMCA. I went up to the 18 year old girl with the perfect body sitting at the front desk and said; “I don’t know how to work the exercise machines. Can someone show me how to use them?” She replied in her sweet, southern voice; “I can help you. I’m a personal trainer.” Of course you are. You’ve probably never farted either. She continued to explain all the YMCA has to offer with their FitLinxx program. Apparently, I can log all my exercises and activities and win cool stuff. The program also emails me once a month with my progress. This sounds great! Now, show me how to use the freaking machines so I can get outta here!
I hate gyms. I only joined the Y to use the pool because it was the only exercise allowed by my physical therapist due to my plantar fasciitis. Every night, I would pass the machines on my way to the locker room. Occasionally, I would glance to see what kind of people were on the machines; thin, fat, beautiful or ugly. They were always just normal people but I was too intimidated to even try. I was so scared to look like a fool and try something new. In fact, one time I did try the treadmill, but I couldn’t get it to work so I got off the machine, left the gym and went home. I was there a total of 5 minutes.
Before Ms. Perfect introduced me to all the machines, she took my information. Height: 5’8, Weight: 195 and Body fat: 36.2%. Ugh..Do you know how hard it was to sit there as she evaluated my body? I wanted to hit her in the face and feed her Twinkies until she exploded, but then I realized that it was Easter weekend and that wouldn’t be nice.
I followed her around to every machine and watched as she demonstrated how to properly use them. When it was my turn to try the machines, I upped the weight. I’ll be damned if a skinny, 18 year old is gonna out do me in weights! Hell to the no! I’ll show her this 35 year old, granny panty wearing woman can lift more weight than she can!
I was with Ms. Perfect for about an hour and towards the end of our session, I realized what I had accomplished; I was actually working out on the machines. Not only can I do my cardio but I’ll be doing strength training as well! This is a huge step for me. I was afraid to ask someone for help, afraid of trying something new and afraid of failing.
As I drove home, I remembered what that person told me; the road to success has a lot of no’s. I may hit some road blocks and speed bumps on the way. I may mess up and fail. But I will continue on MY road. I will continue my weight loss journey and I will continue stepping out of my comfort zone. When I think about, there is no other road I’d rather be on.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I’ve been a bad, bad girl. I haven’t weighed myself in weeks. When I started this health journey in January, I promised to weigh myself weekly on Sundays. I was faithful for awhile but lately I’ve been avoiding the scale. Why? Because I suck!! I have ZERO willpower when it comes to cakes, cookies, pies, and cobblers. Basically, anything with sugar I want to eat it and I want to eat a lot of it.

I decided to weigh myself tonight. I can honestly say I wasn’t surprised that I’m almost back to my starting weight. I’m not stupid. I know if I eat crap, I will not lose weight. I know if I don’t work out, I won’t lose the weight. So, the big question is why do I do it? Why can’t I stay away from the sugar?? I want to be healthy and I need to lose 50 pounds (per my doctor), but I can’t resist the sugar.

I’m really disappointed in myself. I feel like I’m letting myself down once again. I feel like I have no control over my cravings and I don’t like feeling this way. It makes me question my abilities, my self-esteem and self-worth. I feel completely powerless.

Powerless – lacking the ability or capacity to act. Ok, I’m lacking the ability to resist temptations of sugary foods. When I read it out loud, it sounds simple, almost elementary. In fact, I just said; “You can do this, Charissa.” But can I really? I’ve tried so many times before and I’ve always failed. I’m tired of failing, tired of feeling powerless and tired of trying...